ALF STEWART QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Don "Flathead" Fisher: Now lets get this right, erm Lucas said, erm, put the disc in the A drive. No, was it the C drive?

Alf: I’d go for the A Don.



Jesus, I've just read that last post and all that Liverpool team picking nonsense. I'm not going to be doing that anymore, one I'm too lazy and five will make you get down. Oh no, it gets worse.

Oh yeah, what I wanted to write, and apologies to Stewey for using his space to do it, I was flicking round the channels the other day (month) and there was this new Poirot TV movie on. But it was based in the present and this US policeman said to Poirot (bloke from El Cid/ Dr Octopus), who was looking at some gym equipment, "15 minutes of using that a day and you Mr Poirot will have abs like Brad Pitt in Fight Club." It just sounded so wrong. Yeah, I'm on a role tonight.

Ever Get The Feeling.....Take Up Thy Stethoscope And Walk

It's me again, yes how did you guess, 'cos last time you were really not bothered at all. Hi kids, I'm quoting Betty Boo there, sort of, from that wonderful early 90's beat number "Doin' The Doo". Now I think her and Cathy Dennis write songs for every British girl and boy band in existence. Call it filthy lucre but money's money I guess and even if the songs she write hurt my brain it pays the bills.

Just watching the Real Madrid game and I thought Guti had spider web tattoos on his elbows like he was some latino prison daddy but I noticed they're actually stars, which looks really gay. He just got sent off because he dived and then kicked out at a Murcia player because he fake hurt him. I preferred football when Bernd Schuster and Michael Laudrup were players rather than managers.

I got this special edition Pink Floyd "The Piper At The Gates Of Dawn" album. I'm not a big Pink Floyd fan, I just like their early stuff when dear old Syd was still there experimenting, pulling a bunch of future prog rock dinosaurs by their short and curlies into the 12th dimension. Or something like that. Actually a lot of it sounds like their later post Syd stuff really which sort of means I like Pink Floyd. Ugh. I may as well go and buy the best of CD of everyone that played Live Aid and overdose on rock dinosaurs.

In early October I promised Lucha but didn't deliver on my promise so I'm a big fat liar. I haven't watched any since then, I had a week off work but only watched WCW Nitro from 2000. For some strange reason I got the whole year on DVD a while back, it really is awful. I sort of hoped and remembered it being so bad it's good but it's mostly just confusing brain rot so bad it's bad.

So yeah, what a comeback. I'm not going to promise you anything my imaginary readers. Ok, I promise I'll do an Alf Stewart quote thing in the next 10 minutes. Ugh. Maybe.

Viva el Art Molby: STUFF

I got 9 of the starting 11 correct vs Tottenham, which was pretty good. I prefer Voronin to Kuyt but I didn't think Rafa would. We played well first half but once Spurs scored we fell to pieces. I can't be bothered going over the game again. I've got a horrible feeling Benitez will go with Crouch and Kuyt against Everton because there's no space for Torres to run behind or some nonsense like that.



I saw an old woman on the bus the other day who looked like Perro Aguayo. I didn't get close enough to see if she was wearing furry boots or if she had a scarred forehead, mainly because I was too scared she/he would slap the hell out of me. I did notice she/he had a few blades taped to her fingers, or maybe they were just rings, who knows....

Viva el Phil Babb: Is This Music?

Yes my imaginary readers, it doesn't get any worse than the dreaded Viva el Phil Babb. Viva el Art Barr and Viva el Jan Molby are about everything that is beautiful and wondrous in the world, whether it be mimicking swimming to Mexicans in LA or hitting 60 yard passes with the outside of your left foot at The Valley. But Phil Babb is bad baby doll, badder than Bad News Allen. Viva el Phil Babb is like sliding on wet grass and wrapping your balls around a goal post.

The Marseilles performance made me realise that nothing's changed and that we've been pretty ordinary at best over the last 4 or 5 games (Portsmouth, Birmingham, Wigan, Porto). From thinking we had a genuine chance to win the league I now think that 5th place and getting knocked out of the Uefa Cup by Everton looms brazenly on our horizon.

I don't even know how many players I picked correctly for the Wigan game, probably 6 or 7. I'm going to keep on trying to pick the team because it's something to do and it'd be a hell of an achievement if I got 11 out of 11. It wouldn't help my life at all in the grand scheme of things but hey, it's the little things right?

Anyway I think the site needs an injection of sweet sweet lucha and reader I'm going to give it to you. Maybe tomorrow or the day after. I actually watched some lucha last night, CMLL from 1998, and Fishman was a grumpy old rudo and it made me smile. VIVA EL ART BARR. VIVA EL LOVE MACHINE. VIVA EL RUDOS. (Puts on leather gloves and rings bell). YES!

Team vs Tottenham:
Reina
Finnan Carragher Hyppia Arbeloa
Pennant Gerrard Mascherano Babel
Torres Kuyt

VIVA EL JAN MOLBY.

Viva el Jan Molby: Vs Wigan

I got 8 out of 11 right for the Reading game, which was pretty good. I got the whole midfield correct which means I get to pick between a mini mars or mini fudge bar. I went for the Mars.
I said that everyone would die if Torres played, well we're all still alive so I let you off, only for the fact the Torres out Rushied Ian Rush. All he needs is a black 'tashe and everything would be right with the world. Oh, but if he doesn't start against Wigan, Rafael Benitez EVERYONE DIES!!! Seriously Rafa, wouldn't it be nice if we won the league? Here's the starting 11 for tomorrows game against Wigan, almost 15 hours before kick off. Amazing. I see Spanish people. I don't see French goalies.

Reina
Finnan, Carragher, Hyppia, Arbeloa
Pennant, Gerrard, Mascherano, Babel
Torres, Voronin

It can't be right, that's far too straight forward for Rafa. I picked Kuyt but then I changed it to Voronin.

Viva el Jan Molby: Vs Reading

Ok, this is going to be virtually impossible.

Itandje
Darby, Carragher, Hobbs, Aurelio
Benayoun, Lucas Leiva, Sissoko, Leto
Crouch, El Zhar

The 19 man squad on the BBC website doesn't have Kuyt or Voronin in it and if he starts with Torres in the Carling Cup..........well I wouldn't be best pleased. Maybe El Zhar and Benayoun will swap positions during the match because El Zhar usually plays right wing for the reserves. I would have put Insua in at left back because he definitely deserves a chance but Aurelio's a first team player who needs a game, which is probably more important at this stage of the season. Hobbs has improved a lot since the Youth Cup and pre-season friendlies a couple of years ago but I'm still not sure about him. Still, he deserves a chance. Disappointed Ronald Huth isn't involved though.

My magus, The Great Soprendo, hates me so I'm flying solo on this one. Although I did type this blindfolded while humming an ancient Himalayan chant backwards and wearing an Aleister Crowley mask I bought at Asda.

Viva el Zzzzzzzzzzzz: Liverpool vs Birmingham

Huh? Oh sorry, I nodded off there thinking about Liverpool's performance yesterday. I didn't try to pick the team because after my poor showing in picking the team against Portsmouth I've spent the last week in the mountains living in a cave. To help me with my quest to get a Liverpool starting eleven correct this season I took with me some important reading material, The Soccer Who's Who by Jack Rollin. Unfortunately in my haste to visit my mountain hideaway I took the 1989 addition with me by mistake (I wondered why John Lukic and Mark Walters were pictured on the front).

Obviously this didn't help much. BUT, did you know imaginary readers that in the 1986/87 season Brian McClair, Mo Johnston and Alan "Rambo" McInally scored a total of 73 goals between them for Celtic, winning the league title. Then that summer Celtic sold all three, McClair to Man United, Mo to Nantes and Rambo to Aston Villa. Next season Rangers won the league.

I'm ready to continue my task now, and the next game in the Carling Cup against Reading is going to be almost impossible to pick. There's probably about 40 players who could play. I phoned up the Great Soprendo for some encouragement but he told me to stop bothering him and if I phoned again he'd call the police. What a sense of humour my MAGUS has!

Viva el McLovin: Liverpool Vs Portsmouth

I CAN HEAR THE POMPEY CHIMES.Oh no, we're playing Portsmouth not Brighton.

Oh I've got a blog and stuff. I'll guess I'll pick Liverpool's team for today against Portsmouth. I'm watching Superbad and it's pretty funny. It reminds me of Mallrats which I really liked but then a million crappy indie teen comedy outsider films followed and I forgot that these films could be good.

Anyway, OH GREAT SOPRENDO MAKE ME SEE THE LIVERPOOL TEAM TODAY THROUGH MY MIDDLE EYE. LET ME DECIPHER THE SCRIPTURES OF RAFA'S TEAM SHEET.

Reyna
Arbeloa Carragher Agger Riise
Pennant Gerrard Alonso Babbel
Torres Kuyt

Utaka's the danger man, he's faster than Bud Flanagan's dog. Maybe Mascherano should play to get stuck into them, I don't know. Who do you think I am? If we get beat by a team with Djimi Traore in it EVERYONE DIES. Well I won't be happy anyway. Back to Mclovin and friends.........

Viva el Jan Molby: Vs Toulouse

This mornings paper picked the team for me so I'd sort of be cheating if I did my own, even though it would have been the same:

Reina
Finnan, Hyypia, Agger, Arbeloa
Benayoun, Alonso, Mascherano, Riise
Kuyt, Crouch

Actually I'm going to change Riise and put Babel in because my Magus, The Great Soprendo, just contacted me from the fourth dimension and told me so.

Also, Rafa obviously reads my blog because he's sold Paletta and made Insua's loan deal permanent. Hey Rafa, leave some comments lad.

Viva el Jan Molby: Vs Sunderland

Number of starting eleven I got correct: SEVEN

Looking into my crystal ball I can see some ancient scripture lost in the almost forgotten past (the previous post): "I don't think they'll risk Gerrard so hopefully Mascherano takes his place and not Sissoko."

Ok, so I got that wrong. I can't believe Sissoko actually scored and even more amazing, it was a 20 yarder. I picked seven out of Liverpool's starting eleven which isn't too bad. But my past self knew he'd got carried away with the changes he made and he was correct. He'd just eaten a Fudge ice cream and I think it messed with his mastering of the black arts.

At least I got the forwards right and so did Rafa, as Torres and Voronin played great together. If Torres could only improve his finishing (or if goalies dived instead of just standing still) we could have a real chance this season. Whenever I saw him play for Athletico Madrid he seemed to get in all the right positions, sometimes making the chance for himself, but it seemed to take him three or four shots to get a goal. The great thing about him and Voronin is that they work real hard for 90 minutes and they really unsettled the Sunderland defence.

Benayoun's agent will be pissed and poor old Crouchy didn't even make the subs bench either. Both will probably play against Toulouse on Tuesday, hopefully Carragher and Sami are ok because if both are out there might be a start for Paletta and I don't think the world's ready for that yet. I think the world's ready for the debut of Ronald Huth but if the planets are aligned it could be the end for all of us. I'll have to take all this into consideration before I pick eleven out of eleven and you my imaginary readers will then truly believe that I'm a protege of The Great Soprendo aka Geoffrey Durham aka The Great Soprendo. YES!!

Viva el Jan Molby: I SEE THE FUTURE

Looking into my magic crystal ball the Liverpool team for tomorrow will be:

Reina,
Finnan, Carragher, Agger, Riise
Benayoun, Mascherano, Alonso, Babel
Voronin, Torres

I've probably thought way too hard about this and made way too many changes. Benayoun's agent apparently said he may have to look for another club as he's not playing, so that probably means he'll get a start. Babel cost £11 million and he hasn't started a game yet and if he can't get a start against Sunderland when is he ever gonna get a start? But he played mid-week for Holland so that may go against him.

I don't think they'll risk Gerrard so hopefully Mascherano takes his place and not Sissoko. Even worse Rafa better not pick Mascherano and Sissoko, which would be ultra defensive when hopefully there's no need to be.

Up front I originally went for Voronin and Crouch but then I opted for Torres because he's our main man and he should be given a run of games to help settle into the team/country/league/second coming expectations of the fans.

Arbeloa's been playing really well at left back but Riise seems to somehow always find a place in the team, even if he was last seasons most consistently below average player. Maybe they'll rest Finnan for the mid-week game against Toulose and play Arbeloa at right back. Maybe Hyypia will play. Maybe Gerrard will get another injection for his toe and play, but end up having to get a prosthetic foot like Kerry Von Erich. Who knows who Benitez will pick. I KNOW FOR I HAVE A CRYSTAL BALL AND WAS TAUGHT IN THE BLACK ARTS BY GEOFFREY DURHAM AKA GREAT SOPRENDO.

Consolation Prize

I was thinking today that Atlantis should change his theme music to Atlantis To Interzone by the Klaxons. He could have a couple of the CMLL ring girls come out with glow sticks and just start gyrating like there was no tomorrow. Then Atlantis could stroll out and the crowd would go mad. All the technico/techno kids would love him again and everything would be alright with the world. Even the rudo loving old guy in the front row wouldn't ring his bell, replacing it with a couple of glow sticks he'd join in the fun.

After this wonderful lucha daydream I tried to think of other wrestlers who I could give new theme tunes to. The best (and only one) I could come up with was The Great Khali having Move Any Mountain by The Shamen as his music. I'm not sure if it should be his entrance music, maybe just an epileptic fit inducing music video would suffice. I think I'd have the CMLL ring girls involved in this one too. I'd sort of keep it similar to the original video but with Khali and the ring girls replacing the band. Khali could maybe push the whole of the Himalayas into the Grand Canyon, just to show his destructive capabilities. Either that or have him do a shitty double chokeslam on Kane and Batista. In fact if you look at the original, the guy at the back moves a bit like Khali.

LIVERPOOL SEASONATHON

I’m going to try to pick Liverpool’s team each week. Although re-reading that sentence worries me because it means I’m going to have to do at least one post every week. In fact, with all the mid-week (hopefully) Champions League games it’ll probably be two posts a week. With the huge squad we’ve now got and Rafa Benitez’s rotation policy it’s going to be quite difficult.

Since Rafa’s been in charge, especially the last 2 years, he’s rotated the starting eleven to differing levels of success. The difference is this season instead of Kromkamp, Nunez, Josemi or Gonzalez as our backup players we’ve got Babel, Voronin, Lucas Leiva and Sami Hyypia. I mention Lucas Leiva, even though all I’ve seen of him is a couple of youtube clips and 45 minutes of a friendly against Shanghai or someone. The guy’s the Brazilian Under 20’s captain and cost £8 million so he’s gotta be good hasn’t he?

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Every time I watch Sky Sports News and at the side of the screen it’s got all our summer transfers, I see Leiva and £8 million next to his name and hope to god he comes through for us. That’s a ridiculous amount for someone who’s our fifth choice centre mid, behind Gerrard, Alonso, Mascherano and Sissoko. Even guys like Benayoun and Babbel could play as attacking centre midfielders. How he’s going to start 10+ league games I don’t know, considering that already this season Mascherano and Sissoko have not even made the sixteen man squad, let alone the starting eleven.

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The other guy it’s going to be interesting to see how he does this season is left midfielder Sebastian Leto. Again, just going from youtube clips and a friendly, he at least looks better than Gonzalez (not sure if he’s even left yet). He looks like a better long term prospect than fellow Argentine Gabriel Paletta. I also think another young Argentinean, Insua could have a good future with us, especially since todays news about Heinze not be able to move to us. Personally I’m not bothered by the Premier leagues ruling, he started off great for United but after a serious injury he just looks like an average left back now, lacking a bit of pace.

I’ve been impressed by Arbeloa’s start to the season at left back but also hope that Insua gets some games early on this season, rather than a few run outs in meaningless games near the end like last season. Hopefully there won’t be any meaningless league games at the end of this season.

Anyway, I’ll wait till after the mid-week internationals before I pick Liverpool’s team for our game away at Sunderland on Saturday. Btw, I spent a while thinking of the title for this post and that was the best I could come up with.

RANDOM WRESTLING

Super Porky vs. Gran Markus Jr (Hair vs. Hair) CMLL TV 1998

This is the battle of the two finest bellies in the whole of CMLL. You couldn’t really call it a battle of the heavyweights because although they’ve got the weight they haven’t really got the height. Neither of them is that tall, I think Porky’s about 5ft 4 cubed. I think these two would be more upset if this was a pies vs. chocolate cake match rather than a hair vs. hair match. Both of them have actually had health problems in recent years because of their weight, a couple of weeks ago it said in the Wrestling Observer that Porky collapsed in the corner of the ring in a match against Sean Waltman and that he's had a history of heart problems. I hope he's okay, he's one of my favourite wrestlers. Porky’s brother Brazo de Oro is the king of the hair match, he probably hasn’t had to pay for a hair cut since he was a kid. Because this is a big match they get 2 ring girls each, although these aren’t the hot HOT CMLL ones that were around from the 00’s. They’re still alright and everything but they haven’t got the ass and smiles the later ones had. They’ve also got seconds (towel boys), Negro Casas with Porky and Mascara Ano Dos Mil with Gran Markus. Casas looks even creepier than usual, if that’s possible, with a t-shirt-shorts-small white boots combo.

Once the women have left the ring Gran Markus goes to work and throws Porky outside. Porky goes straight for the sweet sweet blade real early and soon his face is a bloody mess. While getting back in the ring he hands the blade to the ref who pockets it. That’s wrestling kids! I remember someone mentioning once on this here Internet that there was once some mythic six man tag match were the luchadores all bladed, with the ref passing the one blade around between them. Probably never happened but if it did I’d love to see it. Not only is Porky bleeding but Mascara Ano Dos Mil is beating him up from outside. But Rey Mendoza isn’t having any of it. The dad of the Villanos is in his usual ringside seat and he tells him to stop it. I think Mendoza is sort of like a commissioner in CMLL because he’s always in the ring presenting belts etc. I like to think of him as a cross between a commissioner and old sports star Casino greeter. Even after Rey Mendoza’s told him not to, Ano Dos Mil trips Porky up. Gran Markus body slams him and gets the first fall with a submission.

Negro Casas helps up a bloody Brazo De Plata. Did I mention that Casas has a knot tied at the front of his shirt? CREEPY. Rey Mendoza, hands behind his back like an old policeman, sends Mascara Ano Dos Mil to the back. This gets a big reaction from the technico fans who all help Ano Dos Mil by pointing to the exit. Start of 2nd fall and Gran Markus holds onto the ropes for a pin but Casas, from outside, pushes him off. Now Casas gets sent to the back. Markus goes for a sunset flip but Porky jumps and sits on him for the 3 count.

Before the 3rd fall starts the doctor checks Porky’s cut, he begs the doc not to stop the fight. Porky tries to get it over quick with a big clothesline and a Big Daddy Belly that knocks Markus out of the ring. PORKY TOPE!!! Markus gets up and knocks Porky down and then does a plancha . Mistico’s got nothing on these guys. SPINNING DIVE FROM PORKY!!! Markus clotheslines Porky for a 2 count. He must be tired from all the dives because Porky didn’t kick out, Markus just rolled off him. They do it the other way round and Markus at least kicks out. Porky goes up to the top and dives/belly flops onto Markus for the win.

While Gran Markus gets his head shaved Super Porky is at ringside covered in blood, kissing a young fan. He gets given a small white bag filled with Markus’ hair. It looks like the kind of bag people use to put their dog shit in. He holds it high in the air, proud of his victory.

MID-WEEK MAYHEM 87

Greensboro, North Carolina

I was going to post something on Saturday about how I seem to only post on Saturdays. But then I couldn't be bothered, which must really disappoint you my imaginary readers of this blog. As it’s now Wednesday the post about me only posting on Saturdays isn't really going to work. Maybe if I was posting from somewhere else and due to time difference it’s actually Saturday. But for 4 days time difference I guess I’d have to be on Mars or in the centre of the earth with the devil. Yeesh, here’s someTHING.

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I was thinking today about wrestling t-shirts, about how awesome they could be and about how crap the WWE ones are. They just have big writing on them and a shitty looking cartoon picture. They also usually say stuff like “YOUR ASS IS MINE”. Who the hell wants to walk around with a t-shirt that says that, with a cartoon picture of a wrestler on it too? Not even sane wrestling fans should want that. Anyway, I decided that if I wasn’t so inartistic and if I wasn’t so lazy I’d do a “WILDFIRE STILL RULES” t-shirt in the style of Hogan’s. Even though I haven’t seen him wrestle for 6 or 7 years I’m sure that statement’s still true and not in a horrible VH1 pimp-to-my-daughter type of way.

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I watched The Great American Bash and here are my concise, thought provoking views.
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Candice Michelle’s a slow Rick Steamboat and I love her for it. Her match with Melina was like Flair vs. Steamboat from 89 but slower. Candice tries loads of different things each match which is a rarity when most guys pretty much do move for move every week on Raw or Smackdown. I think Chris Jericho (apparently he was good for wrestling during the whole Benoit TV freakathon because he looks like he should be in Days Of Our Lives and not in a Carnival) holds the record for wrestling the same TV match in WWE every week (2 years, 4 months, 7 days). Why can’t women run the ropes? I don’t get it. Rey Mysterio always looks like the ropes are going to eat him but the women just go dead slow and look stupid.

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Great Khali rules. People diss the guy because he’s an awful wrestler but that’s not the point. He’s some huge Indian dude who can only shout-speak vowels, so badly that they had to pretend he couldn’t speak English and had to have an interpreter. His legs go on for ever, like he’s got huge lifts in his shoes or midget wrestlers down his pants. Kane/Batista/Great Khali should have been a train wreck but Khali took a bump through the announcers table for the team and managed to carry the other two to a decent match. I wish his interpreter would have been Roland Alexander and he ate greasy cheeseburgers as he interpreted Khali’s Punjabi musings. And he wore a “Modest Still Rules” vest covered in burger grease.

Khali brings prestige to the Smackdown title which Cena and Lashley could only dream about. Their match was pretty good but I don’t get why either’s a big deal. Lashley did some good amateur go-behinds and mat work for a few seconds that he should do more often. Instead he uses power moves because he’s a generic WWE monster. I think Cena’s a pretty crappy wrestler, everything he does just doesn’t look right, he’s too muscle bound. The finish was weird, Cena sort of body dropping Lashley of the second rope. In Jim Ross speak that equals "BUH GAWD KING!!! F U FROM THE TOP ROPE!!! THE TOP ROPE!!!"

MacGyver & Springer: Slow Saturday TV Viewing

MacGyver is so hit and miss. It’s great when it’s in America and he’s doing something like helping out a guy on the run from gangsters, making bombs out of coat hangers and beer cans, running in and out of empty buildings. But other times it’s set in some nameless South American country dealing with something stupid. Todays episode was even worse, MacGyver helping out some teen gang members in the mountains. Apparently it’s some scientific experiment to rehabilitate these gang members. None of them look like gang members, more like a united colours of Benetton group of RADA trained actors. A pilot has a heart attack because the Hispanic gang member was being a knob and MacGyver had to land the plane. Basically they all squabble amongst themselves but then all work together to fix the damaged plane so MacGyver can fly the Hispanic guy to hospital because he’s got internal bleeding. Everything works out in the end and the kids aren’t going to be shooting each other anymore.

A woman wearing only her knickers, missing her two front teeth stands face to face with her mother. This is Jerry Springer. I missed the start but I think the big secret is that the daughter’s a hooker. Mum can’t believe it but while they’re shouting at each other it really looks like their trying to keep a straight face. Now it’s the turn of some dude who’s two timing his girlfriend. How come on Springer women’s tits always fly out when they start to fight? The guys always love it when two women are fighting over them, no matter what the women look like. Jerry picks up a wig that one of the combatants has mislaid. Jerry asks the bit on the side why she’d do this to her friend when she was about to get married. “Look at him Jerry, he’s so fine.” I can never understand how much is real and how much is fake. All I now is that Jamie Dundee books some of this crazy nonsense and that’s alright with me. What he’s learnt from his days in the Memphis TV studio has been put to good use.

RANDOM WRESTLING

Just some random matches from stuff I've watched recently and some random comments.

SABU IN JAPAN
Sabu’s a god, admit it. Sheik and Sabu are against some Japanese guys and one of them cracks Sheik on the head with a wooden stick because he likes that sort of thing. It’s loads of clips and I see Onita’s name, who's about as crazy as Sheik and nephew. Japanese fans run in fear of Sabu and uncle. While Sheik makes his mark on some unfortunate, Sabu gets the pin. Sheik runs after the cameramen with his metal spike. “WILD THING, YOU MAKE MY HEART SING“. Barbed wire match against ONITAAAAAA. Onita took the Memphis concession stand brawl and added 4th of July fireworks to create this crazy madness. So basically, Japanese death matches are as American as apple pie. Barbed wire to the balls. A balding, mulleted Horace Hogan helps Sabu to get the pin while Onita lies prone outside the ring, covered in barbwire. Why wasn’t there ever a tag match with Sabu and his crazy uncle against Horace and his crazy uncle. I bet Onita tried to book it but the Hulkster couldn’t agree on the money or wasn’t prepared to get blown up. After the match is over Onita gets in and barb wire clotheslines Horace and Sabu because they haven’t earned their money yet and the front row Yakuza want more.

CMLL June 1998
Lizmark/Emilio Charles jr/Fiero vs. Bestia Salvaje/Scorpio jr/Violencia
Man I used to love when Emilio, Bestia and Scorpio were Los Taliban and they also went through a faze when they were trying to be 1000% Guapo like Shocker, which is pretty funny when you look at them. But this is pre 9/11 so Emilio’s still a technico here. He's also the ugliest dude on show because Scorpio’s still got his mask on, although the spots on his back hint that he’s got his fathers looks under the hood. I think my favourite wrestling myth/legend is that Scorpio Sr had sex with the ugliest woman he could find to make sure his son could carry on his gimmick. That and the Rock N’ Roll Express walking in on a woman taking a dump on a glass table with Jimmy Valiant underneath it. Bestia and Emilio go at it back and forth until the three rudos beat the pulp out of Charles jr. But all of a sudden it turns into the Keystone Cops with the rudos running/bumping into each other. Funniest thing is when Violencia is outside the ring and Bestia falls out on top of him. So Violencia’s giving him a piggy back and as they walk back to their corner Bestia bumps into the ring post! Seriously, they must all sit around the dressing room watching old Charlie Chaplin and Fatty Arbuckle one reelers for inspiration. In the midst of all this hijinx Emilio pins Scorpio with a rana.

Mr Aguila/Ultimo Dragon/Negro Casas vs. El Hijo Del Santo/Blue Panther/Black Warrior
Santito’s going through his dirty dress up as Felino rudo faze here. The Mexico City crowd is pretty much 50/50 with boos and cheers when his name is announced. And Santito’s pretty much 50/50 with his rudo turn because he knows it’s not gonna last long. Mr Aguila and his back street tattoos are playing with the big boys tonight and I hope for his sake he doesn’t do one of his knee in the balls/elbow in the face 360’s, although nobody in lucha seems to care too much about slightly off finishes. If he did it to Undertaker in the WWE the locker room court would probably have him losing to Funaki on Heat for a few weeks. That’s why lucha’s the sport of kings and WWE’s Vince McMahon’s jacked up fantasy world. Or something like that anyway. Ultimo Dragon and Blue Panther start off and go at it hold for hold. Head locks, leg locks and reversing them. It’s slow but beautiful and lasts longer than a whole three fall CMLL match does today.

The crowd claps and then Santo and Negro Casas get in, speed it up and IT‘S ON. It’s weird because Santo’s sort of a rudo good guy and Negro’s a technico prick. His small white boots and black speedo like shorts will always creep me out. I’m not sure why but they always do. Black Warrior’s in now and bumps over the turnbuckle, clipping a camerawoman in the process. She sort of no sells it and walks off to the other side of the ring, her head just missing getting hit again by Mr Aguila diving onto Warrior outside. This woman’s got a death wish, I just hope she doesn’t get in the way of a Black Warrior tope. Meanwhile back in the ring, Negro does the roll up out of a power bomb thing on Blue Panther while Ultimo Dragon makes Santo submit for the first fall.

Second fall starts with Aguila getting beat up by all the rudos. Casas makes the creepy technico save but gets punched to death in the corner by Blue Panther. Santo whips Dragon into the ropes, causing him to tope Panther on the outside. Mr Aguila does his 360 on Black Warrior for the second fall and the win. I was wondering why Warrior was the captain at the start and now I know why. Old guy regulars in the front row argue/console the rudos (“I’m a Lagunera boy too”)

WrestleWAR 92
Freebirds vs. Valentine and Taylor (U.S. Tag Team CHAMPS)
Doug Dillinger loiters stage right as the wrestlers make their entrances. Some black kid in a knitted jumper gives Taylor and Valentine the thumbs down. I guess Hayes’ best days were behind him, but by 1992 he would've been running out of Von Erich’s to feud with anyway. Even in this not so legendry Freebirds pairing, the guy seems to be enjoying himself. The original Freebirds were a bit before my time but I used to love Hayes and Garvin when I was a kid too and lets be honest, there’s something wrong with you if you don’t like a wrestler whose middle name is Purely Sexy. Actually, maybes there’s not. God, why did they get rid of Badstreet as their entrance music, this new one sounds like a b-side Hayes took about a minute to come up with.

The WCW crowd was always wet for the DDT. Two rings side by side for some WCW shenanigans later on. Did the Red Rooster finish Taylor’s career or was he just some perennial decent mid-card worker. Money aside I’d stick to the mid-card. These old timers can just work a simple decent match with their eyes closed and the crowd are really into this. It’s sad but today a WWE crowd would probably be chanting boring at these guys. Valentine’s got little creepy Negro Casas boots on, thankfully they’ve got G V on them and not N C because that’d be REALLY creepy. Valentine runs at Hayes in the corner but misses and nearly falls out the ring. Jesse Ventura: “We almost had the hammer in our lap Ross”. With his long blonde hair Valentine’s got the look of some ugly, past it stripper and I’m trying not to visualise him giving J.R. a lap dance in the hope of a WWE contract. “DDT DDT DDT DDT.” Hayes was one of those guys who couldn’t help being over. Freebirds are on top, working Taylor’s arm. Even as the faces their pulling Taylor’s hair and double teaming him behind the refs back. “Do unto others before they do unto you Ross”. So speaks future politician Jesse Ventura.

I always loved the WCW PPV ramp that was level all the way to ring. Hayes back body drops Taylor back into the ring off it. Taylor throws Garvin outside and the Hammer goes to work on him, swinging the balance back in the champs favour. Hayes goes for a DDT on Valentine but Taylor catches him with a flying forearm for a 2 count. 15 years on and Taylor's pretty high up in TNA and Hayes is booker for Smackdown. Jimmy Garvin’s got a forum on Wrestling Classics and Greg’s probably dancing the cooch in Vegas. Taylor does that neat gut wrench into power bomb move but only for two. After Valentine gets him in a figure four, Hayes finally makes the tag and Garvin cleans house like a slightly hairier chested Robert Gibson. Garvin goes for a DDT on Taylor but Valentine tries to stop it, only to get back body dropped. Garvin DDT’s Taylor for the win and new U.S. Champs. Man, their music sounds even worse now.

ALF STEWART QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Alf (talking to Shauna) :Where's that fludger Vinny going, he's rostered on this morning isn't he?

THE BIRMINGHAM SCHOOL OF BUSINESS SCHOOL

Those northen lights.......so pretty.

(This is either the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning.) Bloggocks

RIGHT SAID FRED - TOO SEXY FOR MOSCOW

Quotes from the Daily Mail :

"Police stood and watched as two British gay rights campaigners were kicked and punched by neo-Nazis at a demonstration in Moscow.
Former politician Peter Tatchell and pop singer Richard Fairbrass had travelled to the city to join a protest demanding the right to hold a Gay Pride parade there. "
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/worldnews.html?in_article_id=458017&in_page_id=1811...................................................................................................................................................................
I certainly don't condone people beating up anyone but look at the dude with the moustache. I mean, out of all the crowd even before he's thrown his punch he'd be my number one suspect. The only guy not holding a camera/camcorder and wearing a camouflage t-shirt. Moustache + camo t-shirt + retard look = Russian neo-nazi. It's a bit weird the way neo-nazis and Russian Orthodox Christians are on the same side. ..............................................
...................................................................................................................................................................
Reading the article it seems some people in Russia are still stuck in the dark ages. Although if Moscow's Mayor called gay marches "Satanic" something like this was probably always likely to happen. And lets be honest, wherever Peter Tatchell goes the punches follow. I just hope Dale Winton isn't planning a cheap Easy-Jet weekend in Russia anytime soon.

TED BOVIS IS SUPER PORKY

..............Ted Bovis ..............................Super Porky

I was watching a bit of Smackdown yesterday and it mentioned a UK tour. It was the usual biggish arenas (with 10,000 to 15,000 capacities I'd guess) but it also had Butlins in Minehead. My idea of Butlins is obviously stuck in a Hi-De-Hi time warp because I was thinking they'd probably have knobbly knees and glamorous granny competitions during the wrestling intervals, with people sitting in deck chairs picking the winners. But that was before I saw pictures of the Skyline Pavilion which is pretty damn impressive.

............................................................................................. Looking at the names mentioned it's got Finlay but no Regal. Maybe he worked one too many crap Butlins or Pontins shows back in the 80's so he's taking a day off. Or maybe in 1989 he lost a loser leaves Butlins match against Skull Murphy and they've still got pictures of him at the front gate. Apparently that's why no male northerner with blonde highlights has been allowed in Butlins for the last 18 years, just in case he's Steve Regal. I'm sure he'll be on the tour and Dave Taylor will be there as well but they're just not as big a name as Ashley. I bet she's only there to win the glamorous granny competition.

http://www.butlinsonline.co.uk/index.cfm?page=10341&wt.svl=1988574

ALF STEWART QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Alf: You know, when I was in Vietnam there was this orphanage in Saigon for the er... children of rape victims and nobody ever wanted to take them you know, poor little tykes. It was like they were unclean or something. They certainly got pretty rough treatment for something that wasn't even their fault.

Joel Nash: So whats that saying, you can't blame the child for the sin of his father?

Alf: Something like that, although sometimes it seems like there's no one else to blame.

Joel Nash: Sorry Alf you've er.... you've lost me here, I might just erm..........

Alf: Yeah yeah sure. Don't listen to me, I'm just waffling. I'll get you that coffee.

THIS IS WRESTLING

This picture of Arn Anderson and Buddy Landel is wrestling, simple as that. The old wrestlers always mention about it saying wrestling on the marquee, well you could just put this picture on the marquee and people would now what was going down .They'd come from miles around to see it. Of course they'd probably be pissed if when they got inside instead of seeing Arn going against Manny Fernandez or Buddy and Terry Taylor fighting for the Southern Heavyweight Title they saw some no selling kids doing triple somersaults and stuff, dressed like they should be in N-Sync. I guess as it was my idea I'd have to be the one to apologise. They'd probably sue me and stuff too. OK, forget my idea but still, this is wrestling right. Right?

FA CUP FINAL THOUGHTS

Today at the cup final I noticed that President of the FA, free mason, future King of England and all round good egg Prince William is going bald. And because he’s a royal I don’t think he’s allowed to shave his head. My reasoning for this is because if he did creepy people in middle England who collect Queen Mum & Princess Diana mugs would be outraged. I want to see him turn up one day with a killer weave. I remember someone mentioning on TV once that Eddie Jordan had a wig and if that’s right that’s a killer wig. Maybe Prince William could just do what Vince McMahon’s done since he lost his hair match with Donald Trump and sport a doo rag. That’d be fantastic, I think a doo rag and crown combo could work in the 21st century. Henry VIII tried it back in the day but it just didn't hang in the 16th century.

Watching Zaragoza vs. Athletico Bilbao and Etxeberria’s a man who's been going bald for years but he’s still fighting the good fight and refusing to be beat. Etxeberria seems to have been at Bilbao for years just like Urzaiz. Just Like Julen Guerrero, who spent his whole career there, going from the great young Spanish star to the 10 minute over the hill substitute in the space of about 15 years. But it was beautiful while it lasted and I’m sure the people of Bilbao don’t care about his last couple of years because being a Basque there’s nothing more noble than playing for Bilbao and I’ve always liked that fact. I wonder if Howard Kendall even realised before he took over managing them that only Basque’s can play for them. Howie probably had Paul Bracewell and Neville Southall lined up as his first signings. Anyway, I hope Bilbao don’t get relegated (as I write this there 4-2 down to Zaragoza after my man Etxeberria has just dived to win a penalty.)

Oh, the FA cup final was absolutely terrible, probably the worst game of football I've watched this year. Except for England games obviously. Bilbao have just pulled it back to 4-3. Sometimes I wish I was a Basque. VIVA EL BILBAO

Snooker Loopy

"Now old Meo, we all know's got loads of dapper suits,London-bred and he keeps his head, though he's got Italian roots,Emotional when he keeps his cool, till he reaches the final,But whether he wins he whether he don't "I always pipe me eyeballs."

So I played snooker today. Where I play’s got all these old pictures on the wall of the 80’s players in classic pose. My game was played under the watchful eyes of Tony Meo and John Virgo. Virgo was in full late 70’s pimp mode, wearing a flared suit with one hand holding a cue and the other in his pocket, holding his balls. But I call it the Tony Meo table because Tony never spent what felt like five life times being Jim Davidson’s goofy TV snooker stooge. Although when I was a kid Virgo used to make me laugh when he’d arse around during his TV matches doing impressions of the other players. Also Meo was a boyhood friend of Jimmy White’s and one of the match room boys of the 80’s snooker boom, probably giving about 75% of his winnings to Barry Hearn in the process. But still, we’ll always have snooker loopy.

Here's a link to an article from one of my favourite writers Jonathan Rendall (looking forward to his Mike Tyson book later this year) mentioning Meo and White as travelling teenage snooker hustlers. http://observer.guardian.co.uk/osm/story/0,,708304,00.html My highest break was a prodigious 15 (red, pink, red, pink, red) and tomorrow I'm setting off on my very own UK snooker hustlering tour. If you frequent a working mans club, BEWARE.

One For The Ladies

Let's start things off as we mean to go on with a picture of the Jet Set. George Gulas is on the phone being congratulated by President Carter for a DQ win over Gypsy Joe & Tojo Yamamoto. "And where's that damn Jet Set shirt you promised me Gulas?". Is Bobby there, put Bobby on George. I need to ask him for some advice on the Middle East."