Yep, it's that time again folks. This weeks winner is Rodney Napper who was pulverised by a double clothesline of destruction from Gary Young and Maxx Payne in 1988. I've mentioned before that the somersault thing when you've been hit sometimes looks stupid but Rodney did it and it looked awesome. Mainly because I think Young and Payne hit him pretty hard. Gorgeous Gary Young always creeps me out a little bit because it looks like he dyes his hair a shade of gingery red. I don't know, maybe that's his natural colour but for some reason I think he dyes it. And he's bigger than you think, every time I see him wrestle I think "boy is Gary Young bigger than I thought". Which is weird because you'd think that after the first time I thought it I wouldn't think it again, but I do.
Anyway, Rodney Napper now lives in a huge mansion on the hill in Tennessee next to Jerry Jarrett's. Little did we know but Rodney made his money from being on WCW's roster for 8 years but nobody knew, apart from Jane Fonda who was a big fan of his. One day when Ted Turner was busy swimming in his money room Jane added Rodney onto the roster as Drizzle, a third member of the Thunder & Lightning tag team. Nobody ever realised. Sometimes he'd go round to Lanny Poffo's house to wrestle him and they'd pretend it was being taped for Nitro. In reality Lanny was just taping it for his own personal collection and in all honesty I don't think Rodney Napper dressed as Julie Andrews from The Sound Of Music would have ever made it onto Nitro. Especially as Lanny was dressed as Maggie Thatcher.
Well, I sent the CLOTHESLINE OF THE WEEK award to Rodney by Fed Ex and I expect he's made up with it. I had to do this because when I went back in time to 1988 Rodney wasn't home.
Friday 25 April 2008
Tuesday 22 April 2008
Random Wrestling
Memphis 88
It’s January 1988 (I wish) and Lance and Dave welcome us to another wonderful Memphis studio show. Lance runs down the show. We’ve got Jeff Jarrett and Manny Fernandez teaming, The Rock and Roll RPM’s, The Midnight Rockers and The Doctor’s of Rock. That’s a whole lot of rock there folks. Who the hell are the Doctor’s of Rock? Anyway, first up is Art Barr’s brother Jimmy Jack Funk. I just remembered that my blog has the words Art and Barr in its title, so I thought I would mention that. But Lance and Dave tell me that he’s not Art’s brother, he’s actually the cousin of Terry Funk and I believe them. Jimmy Jack wears a little Zorro type mask and the word on the internet street has always been that it’s because Haku pulled his eye out over some drunk disagreement in their WWF days. I think Jimmy Jack probably beat Haku’s top score on Space Invaders and this act of computer wizardry must’ve really pissed the Tongan off. Maybe he just wore the mask so people would stop saying “ Hey ain’t that Jesse Barr ?” This is a possibility but I think we’re all agreed that my Space Invaders story is a lot more plausible.
He does a good job sounding like Terry Funk, which is weird because most Portland wrestlers try to sound like Roddy Piper. He’s got the King in a CWA title match. He says he’s talked to his cousin and that Lawler’s the king of sissys. This harsh critique on the Memphis people causes their King to come out in full outfit. Robe: check. Crown: check. CWA title: check.. Slightly lopsided goatee: check.
The match starts and it’s all about hair pulling. Funk isn’t happy so he’s gone a got his buddy Teijo Khan from the back to sit at ringside. Khan’s a white guy from Mongolia with a Mohawk. A Mohawk on a wrestler cancels out whiteness, so it’s acceptable that he’s from Mongolia. How, when and where the fake Mongolian and the fake Texan met is unknown. Maybe at the 1987 Mongolian National Space Invaders Championships. The hair pulling shenanigans goes on so Lawler goes and gets someone to help him. Out comes Jeff Jarrett. Screams and wetness ensue from the teen Mempho crowd. Eventually Lawler’s strap comes down but Khan attacks him on the outside. Jeff goes to help and Jimmy Jack joins in too. The bell goes and Lawler retains by DQ! Dave informs us that this all took 7 minutes and 19 seconds to run its course.
Now we’ve got some interviews about upcoming matches. Randy Hales, the most charismatic man in wrestling called Randy Hales, dressed like Lance Russell Jr is in charge of the mic. Our old friends Jimmy Jack Funk and Teijo Khan are there. Teijo pulls faces because he’s a wild man from a far off land. Hey, maybe all their people are like this. I think Jimmy Jack called Lawler a sissy again but I was too busy watching Khan’s gurning. Then The Midnight Rockers come out. Marty Jannetty and Shaun Michaels talk smack to Hales, which everyone really should do, even the baby faces. They tell him that in the months they’ve been in Memphis he hasn’t changed his suit and he needs to get a haircut, both very true.
Right we’re back in the studio and Nate The Rat brings out the Doctor’s Of Rock. Jeff Jarrett comes out to say that the Ragin’ Bull can’t wrestle because he had to see a doctor (of rock?) due to Teijo Khan’s attack on him last week. He then drops a bombshell by implying that the masked Doctors Of Rock are The Rock N’ Roll RPM’s!!!! The RPM’s lost a loser leaves town match to Ricky Nelson and Billy Joe Travis last week. Lance Russell didn’t even think about this, Jeff Jarrett’s like Sherlock Holmes but with a teenage fan club. But the super sleuth gets beat up by The Doctors of Rock and Khan/ Funk until the baby faces arrive to save the day. Randy “Mr Charisma” Hales arrives on the scene like a wet fart and says that if Jarrett can remove the masks and prove that it’s Mike Davis and Tommy Lane then they won’t be able to wrestle again in Memphis. If I was Davis or Lane I couldn’t think of anything worse.
It’s January 1988 (I wish) and Lance and Dave welcome us to another wonderful Memphis studio show. Lance runs down the show. We’ve got Jeff Jarrett and Manny Fernandez teaming, The Rock and Roll RPM’s, The Midnight Rockers and The Doctor’s of Rock. That’s a whole lot of rock there folks. Who the hell are the Doctor’s of Rock? Anyway, first up is Art Barr’s brother Jimmy Jack Funk. I just remembered that my blog has the words Art and Barr in its title, so I thought I would mention that. But Lance and Dave tell me that he’s not Art’s brother, he’s actually the cousin of Terry Funk and I believe them. Jimmy Jack wears a little Zorro type mask and the word on the internet street has always been that it’s because Haku pulled his eye out over some drunk disagreement in their WWF days. I think Jimmy Jack probably beat Haku’s top score on Space Invaders and this act of computer wizardry must’ve really pissed the Tongan off. Maybe he just wore the mask so people would stop saying “ Hey ain’t that Jesse Barr ?” This is a possibility but I think we’re all agreed that my Space Invaders story is a lot more plausible.
He does a good job sounding like Terry Funk, which is weird because most Portland wrestlers try to sound like Roddy Piper. He’s got the King in a CWA title match. He says he’s talked to his cousin and that Lawler’s the king of sissys. This harsh critique on the Memphis people causes their King to come out in full outfit. Robe: check. Crown: check. CWA title: check.. Slightly lopsided goatee: check.
The match starts and it’s all about hair pulling. Funk isn’t happy so he’s gone a got his buddy Teijo Khan from the back to sit at ringside. Khan’s a white guy from Mongolia with a Mohawk. A Mohawk on a wrestler cancels out whiteness, so it’s acceptable that he’s from Mongolia. How, when and where the fake Mongolian and the fake Texan met is unknown. Maybe at the 1987 Mongolian National Space Invaders Championships. The hair pulling shenanigans goes on so Lawler goes and gets someone to help him. Out comes Jeff Jarrett. Screams and wetness ensue from the teen Mempho crowd. Eventually Lawler’s strap comes down but Khan attacks him on the outside. Jeff goes to help and Jimmy Jack joins in too. The bell goes and Lawler retains by DQ! Dave informs us that this all took 7 minutes and 19 seconds to run its course.
Now we’ve got some interviews about upcoming matches. Randy Hales, the most charismatic man in wrestling called Randy Hales, dressed like Lance Russell Jr is in charge of the mic. Our old friends Jimmy Jack Funk and Teijo Khan are there. Teijo pulls faces because he’s a wild man from a far off land. Hey, maybe all their people are like this. I think Jimmy Jack called Lawler a sissy again but I was too busy watching Khan’s gurning. Then The Midnight Rockers come out. Marty Jannetty and Shaun Michaels talk smack to Hales, which everyone really should do, even the baby faces. They tell him that in the months they’ve been in Memphis he hasn’t changed his suit and he needs to get a haircut, both very true.
Right we’re back in the studio and Nate The Rat brings out the Doctor’s Of Rock. Jeff Jarrett comes out to say that the Ragin’ Bull can’t wrestle because he had to see a doctor (of rock?) due to Teijo Khan’s attack on him last week. He then drops a bombshell by implying that the masked Doctors Of Rock are The Rock N’ Roll RPM’s!!!! The RPM’s lost a loser leaves town match to Ricky Nelson and Billy Joe Travis last week. Lance Russell didn’t even think about this, Jeff Jarrett’s like Sherlock Holmes but with a teenage fan club. But the super sleuth gets beat up by The Doctors of Rock and Khan/ Funk until the baby faces arrive to save the day. Randy “Mr Charisma” Hales arrives on the scene like a wet fart and says that if Jarrett can remove the masks and prove that it’s Mike Davis and Tommy Lane then they won’t be able to wrestle again in Memphis. If I was Davis or Lane I couldn’t think of anything worse.
Monday 14 April 2008
Don't Go To The Spanish House
I just did a search on ebay for Tommy Rich and the only thing the zero and ones of my computer could find was WOMEN'S HANDBAGS. Disgusting. I don't know what Tommy Rich merchandise I was expecting to be on ebay in 2008 but it certainly wasn't handbags.
This weeks CLOTHESLINE OF THE WEEEK goes to (drum roll) Michelle McCool!?! Hang on, I think someone's given me the wrong envelope or something here. This is the CLOTHESLINE OF THE WEEK award not the 2008 Sexiest Lassie from Tallahassee award. Actually, it goes to Victoria because she was the woman who took it but McCool was the *cough* wrestler who gave it. I get countless e-mails (zero) asking me why I give the award to the taker and not the giver of the clothesline and basically it boils down to the fact that wrestling's fake so the person pretending to be hurt ...... something or other.
Although in this case McCool just stiffed Victoria I think but she looks like she's improved a bit since the last time I saw her. I was just flicking around the channels and caught a WWE highlight show (honest guv) and watched their match. I don't need no time machine or ghost commentator to hand this award to the winner, although the ghost of Pez Whatley thought I made the right choice.
This weeks CLOTHESLINE OF THE WEEEK goes to (drum roll) Michelle McCool!?! Hang on, I think someone's given me the wrong envelope or something here. This is the CLOTHESLINE OF THE WEEK award not the 2008 Sexiest Lassie from Tallahassee award. Actually, it goes to Victoria because she was the woman who took it but McCool was the *cough* wrestler who gave it. I get countless e-mails (zero) asking me why I give the award to the taker and not the giver of the clothesline and basically it boils down to the fact that wrestling's fake so the person pretending to be hurt ...... something or other.
Although in this case McCool just stiffed Victoria I think but she looks like she's improved a bit since the last time I saw her. I was just flicking around the channels and caught a WWE highlight show (honest guv) and watched their match. I don't need no time machine or ghost commentator to hand this award to the winner, although the ghost of Pez Whatley thought I made the right choice.
Monday 7 April 2008
PAUL LEE WATCH
Ok folks, in his next match Paul Lee does two (COUNT THEM) Flair falls flat on his face and (AND) he did the over the turnbuckle thing but got clotheslined en route to the next turnbuckle. I can't actually remember who he was wrestling, I only have eyes for the Flea Market Nature Boy. Whoooocoughoooooo. (I think it was Dixie Dy-no-mite. It's Scott Armstrong under the hood but promise me you won't go back in time to 1992 and tell everyone. Promise?
Saturday 5 April 2008
The Way We Like It
I’m watching early Smoky Mountain Wrestling and I’m going to pretend that I’m going to review it on a weekly basis like all the other weekly things I promise to do. I promise my imaginary readers these things and I’ve already got imaginary e-mails titled “Where’s this weeks Alf Stewart/ Clothesline/ This Is My Army We Will Destroy You of the week?” These things take time and usually get published in Teen Vogue or the French Beano before they make this blog. That's where the money is, the French are crazy for the Beano. "Un Minnie La Minx, cest manifique"
Buddy Landel, Paul Orndorff, Robert Gibson, Jimmy Golden, Dirty White Boy, Brian Lee.
Seriously, that’s a sweet little roster right there. Add Jim Cornette and The Heavenly Bodies to the mix and we’re there, wrestling heaven. Jimmy Golden comes out to the Black Crowes’ “Hard To Handle” and he’s a heel but we could never hate him. Brian Lee’s music’s boss too but I’m still not sure if he’s quite pulling off the top baby face/ Heavyweight Champ role.
One of the great things about early Smoky Mountain is the amount of WCW job guys they have. The likes of Rip Rogers, Barry Horowitz and Johnny Rich had been someones elsewhere before they slipped down the ladder in WCW but they’re back to being sort of roster guys here, even though they almost always lose. They get a bit of mic time, Johnny Rich and his “cousin” Davey (The Party Patrol!) even get talked up as being genuine competition for The Heavenly Bodies.
Other job guys from WCW are still jobbers but they get a lot more offense in. In WCW they just got dropped on the head by Vader or power bombed onto a gurney by Sid but the likes of Joe Cazana, Scot Sandlin and Tommy Angel get the chance to do more moves than just the odd punch. Angel looks a quality wrestler and, with the exception of his balding mullet, I’m not sure why he wasn't given a gimmick or at least a little push.
One guy who was given a little push was Mark Kyle who became KILLER KYLE, a sort of gangster who came to the ring with a violin case. He obviously couldn’t talk so he was a mean and silent type and he wasn’t a particularly decent wrestler so he mainly just did power moves. But hell, Mark Kyle’s on my TV screen winning matches which can only be a good thing and he’s wearing a shirt so we don’t have to see his hairy shoulders.
The highlight for me though has been the one (so far) appearance of Paul Lee. Paul was (IS) obviously a huge Ric Flair fan and basically copied his look and moves. As a jobber in WCW he just got beat up so all you saw was a Flair look-alike in a flea market robe and shades. But in Smoky Mountain Lee was allowed to do a bit more and excels doing a perfect flair bump over the turnbuckle. He then runs along the apron to the next turnbuckle and waits for Robert Gibson to throw him off. It was pure beauty. After getting clotheslined outside the ring he even took a few steps then fell flat on his face. As a kid I’m sure I thought Lee was Flair on WCW Worldwide and had just had an off day, getting battered by Tom Zenk or Firebreaker Chip in less than 2 minutes.
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