Random Wrestling

Memphis 88

It’s January 1988 (I wish) and Lance and Dave welcome us to another wonderful Memphis studio show. Lance runs down the show. We’ve got Jeff Jarrett and Manny Fernandez teaming, The Rock and Roll RPM’s, The Midnight Rockers and The Doctor’s of Rock. That’s a whole lot of rock there folks. Who the hell are the Doctor’s of Rock? Anyway, first up is Art Barr’s brother Jimmy Jack Funk. I just remembered that my blog has the words Art and Barr in its title, so I thought I would mention that. But Lance and Dave tell me that he’s not Art’s brother, he’s actually the cousin of Terry Funk and I believe them. Jimmy Jack wears a little Zorro type mask and the word on the internet street has always been that it’s because Haku pulled his eye out over some drunk disagreement in their WWF days. I think Jimmy Jack probably beat Haku’s top score on Space Invaders and this act of computer wizardry must’ve really pissed the Tongan off. Maybe he just wore the mask so people would stop saying “ Hey ain’t that Jesse Barr ?” This is a possibility but I think we’re all agreed that my Space Invaders story is a lot more plausible.

He does a good job sounding like Terry Funk, which is weird because most Portland wrestlers try to sound like Roddy Piper. He’s got the King in a CWA title match. He says he’s talked to his cousin and that Lawler’s the king of sissys. This harsh critique on the Memphis people causes their King to come out in full outfit. Robe: check. Crown: check. CWA title: check.. Slightly lopsided goatee: check.

The match starts and it’s all about hair pulling. Funk isn’t happy so he’s gone a got his buddy Teijo Khan from the back to sit at ringside. Khan’s a white guy from Mongolia with a Mohawk. A Mohawk on a wrestler cancels out whiteness, so it’s acceptable that he’s from Mongolia. How, when and where the fake Mongolian and the fake Texan met is unknown. Maybe at the 1987 Mongolian National Space Invaders Championships. The hair pulling shenanigans goes on so Lawler goes and gets someone to help him. Out comes Jeff Jarrett. Screams and wetness ensue from the teen Mempho crowd. Eventually Lawler’s strap comes down but Khan attacks him on the outside. Jeff goes to help and Jimmy Jack joins in too. The bell goes and Lawler retains by DQ! Dave informs us that this all took 7 minutes and 19 seconds to run its course.

Now we’ve got some interviews about upcoming matches. Randy Hales, the most charismatic man in wrestling called Randy Hales, dressed like Lance Russell Jr is in charge of the mic. Our old friends Jimmy Jack Funk and Teijo Khan are there. Teijo pulls faces because he’s a wild man from a far off land. Hey, maybe all their people are like this. I think Jimmy Jack called Lawler a sissy again but I was too busy watching Khan’s gurning. Then The Midnight Rockers come out. Marty Jannetty and Shaun Michaels talk smack to Hales, which everyone really should do, even the baby faces. They tell him that in the months they’ve been in Memphis he hasn’t changed his suit and he needs to get a haircut, both very true.

Right we’re back in the studio and Nate The Rat brings out the Doctor’s Of Rock. Jeff Jarrett comes out to say that the Ragin’ Bull can’t wrestle because he had to see a doctor (of rock?) due to Teijo Khan’s attack on him last week. He then drops a bombshell by implying that the masked Doctors Of Rock are The Rock N’ Roll RPM’s!!!! The RPM’s lost a loser leaves town match to Ricky Nelson and Billy Joe Travis last week. Lance Russell didn’t even think about this, Jeff Jarrett’s like Sherlock Holmes but with a teenage fan club. But the super sleuth gets beat up by The Doctors of Rock and Khan/ Funk until the baby faces arrive to save the day. Randy “Mr Charisma” Hales arrives on the scene like a wet fart and says that if Jarrett can remove the masks and prove that it’s Mike Davis and Tommy Lane then they won’t be able to wrestle again in Memphis. If I was Davis or Lane I couldn’t think of anything worse.