Can't get out of bed

Oh jeez, oh jeez guys. El Hijo Del Santo, Solar 1 and Negro Navarro are wrestling in London and I'm too lazy to go. It's probably a 3 hour train journey but still, SANTITO!!. I hate myself sometimes, I really do imaginary reader, I really do. Next Friday, Saturday and Sunday they are putting on lucha clinics for the good people of Londinium and its environs. Hopefully something changes in my mood-life and I order a ticket because I know I'm going to hate myself forever more if I miss this. NEGRO NAVARRO!

I didn't go to the Santo/Blue Panther shows in Colchester(?) a few years back and I still hate myself because of that. Satanico, Ultimo Guerrero and possibly Olimpico (or maybe Tarzan Boy, I forget) once did some arty lucha thing in a gallery in London a while back too. I feel my life would be infinitely better now if I had seen EL NUMERO UNO RUDO in the whole of Mexico live in person. I'd probably have a beautiful girlfriend and be a millionaire now if I'd breathed the same air as Satanico. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go watch some Los Infernales matches and dream.

ALF STEWART QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got a pile of washing that a giraffe couldn’t see over."

december boys got it bad

Man, in the post United Champions of Europe world that we find ourselves living in I don't feel like doing much. I'm blaming my laziness on John Terry and because of him Alex Ferguson is apparently the bestest manager in the world ever. Thanks John.

Anyway, lets talk about some real sport, the sport of kings, catch as catch can wrestling. Get this, in Memphis 1988 (United hadn't won a European cup or league for a long time, Graeme Hogg played for them and Neil Webb was their great white hope) Jerry Lawler is the new AWA WORLD CHAMPION. Jackie Fargo was the ref and he sort of did a four count, just to emphasise the victory I guess. It looked like a pretty full Mid-South Coliseum and they went mad for the local boy done good.

Lance Russell, probably the happiest man on the planet apart from Lawler, interviews the new champ. Lawler, in full Miami Vice outfit and George Michael designer stubble, tells Lance that he can only spare a minute or two because he's got a plane waiting for him. He's defending his World Title in some far off distant land (Minnesota?) and can't stop too long in Memphis. WHAT! It sort of comes across as a heel turn but it isn't, the poor old Mempho faithful just have to accept it, their king's now Verne Gagne's king.

Meanwhile Brickhouse Brown, with his usual linguistic dexterity, eases the crowds fears that Brother Ernest has picked up an illness. "HE'S GOT AIDS, HE'S GOT AIDS" chant the crowd but Brickhouse says it's just a cold. He's sort of taken over Ernest's managerial role while he gets over his cold. They show backstage footage at the Mid-South Coliseum after Hennig's title loss and Eddie Marlin's telling him that he can't have a rematch with Lawler until he's got the Southern Title. Brickhouse buts in, rips the Southern Title from Max Payne, who he's managing, and tries to give it to Hennig. All hell breaks loose.

ASSASINATION ATTEMPTS WON'T KEEP ME DOWN

Memphis 1988 is all about the King going for the AWA World Title. His big match against Curt Hennig is happening early May and Lawler's said if he loses he's going to retire. I guess in my horrible smart mark mind I think Lawler retiring at 38 is ridiculous, so it's obvious he's getting the belt. But Jerry Jarrett keeps on coming out on TV to chat with Lance and I think this is done to show the fans that he ain't that much older than Lawler and Jarrett's retired and doing well for himself. Still involved in Memphis wrestling but retired. A couple of times When Lance was interviewing Lawler building up to the Title match he even mentions his other business' outside of wrestling that he's involved in. Shit, maybe Lawler will lose.

party for real this time

I remember the Dodo.
Or was that Dido?
I just don’t know now.
One’s as dead as Fido
and the others as
boring as Bono.

What the hell was that? It just sort of came to me out of my brain and then went all the way down to my fingywingies. Unfortunately they were resting on a keyboard at the time and look what happened! Does this make me a published poet now? Should I start wearing a cravat and smoke a pipe? Who cares. One thing everyone cares about is this weeks CLOTHESLINE OF THE WEEK. All I'm watching is Memphis 88 at the moment and basically Rodney Napper could win it every week but that's no fun, is it. Maybe it is. Nobody really takes a good clothesline in Lucha so I think I need to mix it up a bit with some Smoky Mountain again and bring back the long running saga that was PAUL LEE WATCH.

SHOW ME HOW TO SWIM FOR THE PRIZE

I don't have to sell my soul, Memphis 88 is already in me. Eddie Gilbert's throwing fire balls like there's no tomorrow. Lawler, Jerry Jarrett and Randy "Mr Charisma" Hales all get fire in the face. Jerry Jarrett had been away for a while checking on his logging company! He returns back to the TV studio to give Lance Russell an award for best announcer but all he receives in return is a FIREBALL from Hotstuff.

Eddie's dad Tommy wears a shell suit top because he can. Eddie Marlin's woken up from his matchmaker stupor and is up for a fight or two with his former tag team partner. He blades to sell tickets. The Gilbert's and Missy Hyatt are taking over and something needs to be done. Jerry Lawler's stuck at home recovering from a FIREBALL, Lance phones him up each week to reassure the fans that the King is not dead. Hang on, when Eddie Gilbert slams the phone down Lance says Lawler is not at home he's BACKSTAGE.

A stubbled Lawler appears in all black looking like a cat burglar. HE ATTACKS. They end up outside the TV studio, in the bright sunshine of the real world, Memphis 1988. They start the 6 year build up for Eddie and Doug Gilbert running Lawler over when Eddie slams the King through a car windshield. Lawler takes it because he's some ace stunt man wrestler and Hotstuff disappears into the Memphis sun to think again. These two are probably my favourite two wrestlers ever, maybe with Terry Funk. And Super Porky. And El Hijo Del Santo. AND SO IT CONTINUES..........

CLOTHESLINE OF THE WEEK

Yep, it's that time again folks. This weeks winner is Rodney Napper who was pulverised by a double clothesline of destruction from Gary Young and Maxx Payne in 1988. I've mentioned before that the somersault thing when you've been hit sometimes looks stupid but Rodney did it and it looked awesome. Mainly because I think Young and Payne hit him pretty hard. Gorgeous Gary Young always creeps me out a little bit because it looks like he dyes his hair a shade of gingery red. I don't know, maybe that's his natural colour but for some reason I think he dyes it. And he's bigger than you think, every time I see him wrestle I think "boy is Gary Young bigger than I thought". Which is weird because you'd think that after the first time I thought it I wouldn't think it again, but I do.

Anyway, Rodney Napper now lives in a huge mansion on the hill in Tennessee next to Jerry Jarrett's. Little did we know but Rodney made his money from being on WCW's roster for 8 years but nobody knew, apart from Jane Fonda who was a big fan of his. One day when Ted Turner was busy swimming in his money room Jane added Rodney onto the roster as Drizzle, a third member of the Thunder & Lightning tag team. Nobody ever realised. Sometimes he'd go round to Lanny Poffo's house to wrestle him and they'd pretend it was being taped for Nitro. In reality Lanny was just taping it for his own personal collection and in all honesty I don't think Rodney Napper dressed as Julie Andrews from The Sound Of Music would have ever made it onto Nitro. Especially as Lanny was dressed as Maggie Thatcher.

Well, I sent the CLOTHESLINE OF THE WEEK award to Rodney by Fed Ex and I expect he's made up with it. I had to do this because when I went back in time to 1988 Rodney wasn't home.