Don't Go To The Spanish House

I just did a search on ebay for Tommy Rich and the only thing the zero and ones of my computer could find was WOMEN'S HANDBAGS. Disgusting. I don't know what Tommy Rich merchandise I was expecting to be on ebay in 2008 but it certainly wasn't handbags.

This weeks CLOTHESLINE OF THE WEEEK goes to (drum roll) Michelle McCool!?! Hang on, I think someone's given me the wrong envelope or something here. This is the CLOTHESLINE OF THE WEEK award not the 2008 Sexiest Lassie from Tallahassee award. Actually, it goes to Victoria because she was the woman who took it but McCool was the *cough* wrestler who gave it. I get countless e-mails (zero) asking me why I give the award to the taker and not the giver of the clothesline and basically it boils down to the fact that wrestling's fake so the person pretending to be hurt ...... something or other.

Although in this case McCool just stiffed Victoria I think but she looks like she's improved a bit since the last time I saw her. I was just flicking around the channels and caught a WWE highlight show (honest guv) and watched their match. I don't need no time machine or ghost commentator to hand this award to the winner, although the ghost of Pez Whatley thought I made the right choice.

LANCE RUSSELL QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"What every happened to the Terry Taylor I knew and loved?"

PAUL LEE WATCH

Ok folks, in his next match Paul Lee does two (COUNT THEM) Flair falls flat on his face and (AND) he did the over the turnbuckle thing but got clotheslined en route to the next turnbuckle. I can't actually remember who he was wrestling, I only have eyes for the Flea Market Nature Boy. Whoooocoughoooooo. (I think it was Dixie Dy-no-mite. It's Scott Armstrong under the hood but promise me you won't go back in time to 1992 and tell everyone. Promise?

The Way We Like It

I’m watching early Smoky Mountain Wrestling and I’m going to pretend that I’m going to review it on a weekly basis like all the other weekly things I promise to do. I promise my imaginary readers these things and I’ve already got imaginary e-mails titled “Where’s this weeks Alf Stewart/ Clothesline/ This Is My Army We Will Destroy You of the week?” These things take time and usually get published in Teen Vogue or the French Beano before they make this blog. That's where the money is, the French are crazy for the Beano. "Un Minnie La Minx, cest manifique"

Buddy Landel, Paul Orndorff, Robert Gibson, Jimmy Golden, Dirty White Boy, Brian Lee.

Seriously, that’s a sweet little roster right there. Add Jim Cornette and The Heavenly Bodies to the mix and we’re there, wrestling heaven. Jimmy Golden comes out to the Black Crowes’ “Hard To Handle” and he’s a heel but we could never hate him. Brian Lee’s music’s boss too but I’m still not sure if he’s quite pulling off the top baby face/ Heavyweight Champ role.

One of the great things about early Smoky Mountain is the amount of WCW job guys they have. The likes of Rip Rogers, Barry Horowitz and Johnny Rich had been someones elsewhere before they slipped down the ladder in WCW but they’re back to being sort of roster guys here, even though they almost always lose. They get a bit of mic time, Johnny Rich and his “cousin” Davey (The Party Patrol!) even get talked up as being genuine competition for The Heavenly Bodies.

Other job guys from WCW are still jobbers but they get a lot more offense in. In WCW they just got dropped on the head by Vader or power bombed onto a gurney by Sid but the likes of Joe Cazana, Scot Sandlin and Tommy Angel get the chance to do more moves than just the odd punch. Angel looks a quality wrestler and, with the exception of his balding mullet, I’m not sure why he wasn't given a gimmick or at least a little push.

One guy who was given a little push was Mark Kyle who became KILLER KYLE, a sort of gangster who came to the ring with a violin case. He obviously couldn’t talk so he was a mean and silent type and he wasn’t a particularly decent wrestler so he mainly just did power moves. But hell, Mark Kyle’s on my TV screen winning matches which can only be a good thing and he’s wearing a shirt so we don’t have to see his hairy shoulders.

The highlight for me though has been the one (so far) appearance of Paul Lee. Paul was (IS) obviously a huge Ric Flair fan and basically copied his look and moves. As a jobber in WCW he just got beat up so all you saw was a Flair look-alike in a flea market robe and shades. But in Smoky Mountain Lee was allowed to do a bit more and excels doing a perfect flair bump over the turnbuckle. He then runs along the apron to the next turnbuckle and waits for Robert Gibson to throw him off. It was pure beauty. After getting clotheslined outside the ring he even took a few steps then fell flat on his face. As a kid I’m sure I thought Lee was Flair on WCW Worldwide and had just had an off day, getting battered by Tom Zenk or Firebreaker Chip in less than 2 minutes.

Bloggins

Holla holla boys and girls. I hope you all know that the Lucha is even finer than a sixty niner with Scotty Steiner? That last bit is obviously not my thoughts but I’ve been watching a lot of 2000 WCW and that big bad booty daddy, that genetic freak, that guy who’s only interested in his freaks and peaks, well he says lots of things like that. Where have I been these last 2 months, who knows or cares but I’ve watched enough mid 80’s Florida and Late 90’s Mexico to be hyped for this here wrasslin shenanigans again. Even as I’m writing this I know I probably won’t post again for a month but lets just for now pretend I will. I’m listening to Teenage Fanclub, Home & Away’s about to start, I have tapes and discs that are laden with Super Porky, Maya Singh, Solar 1 and Jimmy Backlund. For a split second life is good.

Which reminds me dear reader, I was watching a bit of that there Florida Wresting and little Jimmy Backlund took the best satanic clothesline from Kevin Sullivan. He did the somersault thing that I don’t usually like but it just looked awesome here. I also watched Volunteer Slam 1992 and Davey Rich/Haskins did one too, I think from Stan Lane. It was pretty good and usually it’d win my coveted (and just made up) CLOTHESLINE OF THE WEEK award but the almost decapitated Jimmy Backlund from 1985 begs to differ. My CLOTHESLINE OF THE WEEK award is made of plastic and coloured in with a gold felt tip pen. I send it backwards through the time vortex to whoever is the weekly recipient. Gordon Solie’s ghost told me that Jimmy Backlund was really made up with it.

Real sad news, Bestia Salvaje died last week. My spell check tells me the words Bestia and Salvaje don’t exist, my spell check needs to watch more lucha. That rudo guy with the leather gloves and bell needs to give Bestia a 10 bell salute. He was a great worker who bumped around and made everyone else look great too.

THIS IS MY ARMY, WE WILL DESTROY YOU (1)

JAVIER MASCHERANO
I’d guess he grew up watching that crazy Argentine Lucha show. The guys a worker pure and simple, if I found out he was the original Mascarita Sagrada it wouldn’t surprise me. Gerrard gets all the plaudits because he’s English, has got to that Beckham position of being untouchable, even if he plays rubbish and’s part of the New World Order (possibly). But Gerrard’s not in my army, El Super Raton is. And if those two Yank millionaires don't give Rafa cash money to buy little Javier, I'll swim the Atlantic and start snapping the necks of the Montreal Canadians and Texas Rangers players until they pay up.

Birthday Greetings To El Puma

Yesterday it was your hero and mine JERRY ESTRADA'S 50th birthday. The bumps and stuff have caught up with him but I hope he's doing ok. I visualise the not so mini Jerrito Estrada walking into Jerry's dining room holding a cake with fifty lit candles on it, singing happy birthday to his larger version. I bet Jerry got 20% of Jerrito's earnings or something, like an agent, so Jerrito was probably created for drug money. And we wouldn't have it any other way. Looking at the fantastic Luchawiki site I noticed that Herodes was one of Jerry's trainers, which explains alot and makes me happy.

I'll probably do some hero of the week thing, just so I post at least once a week. What for, I don't know. Hero's probably the wrong word, maybe I'll think of something better.